CamBirdRacing

Three iron workers working on the 71st floor of a new building stop for lunch.

The first opens his pail only to find pasta yet again. Says to the other two, "If I get this again I am gonna jump to my death".

The second worker opens his bag lunch only to find peanut butter & jam sandwiches for the third time that week. He too says, " If I get this tomorrow I'm jumping also".

The third worker looks at his lunch only to find cold meat & cheese yet again. Shaking his head he too says "If it happens again tomorrow I am going off too"

So the following day the same iron workers sit down to eat their lunch.
First one opens his pail only too find pasta. Immediately he plunges to his death.
The second worker slowly opens his lunch only to find peanut butter & jam sandwiches He too quickly jumps off.
The third finds cold meat & cheese. Shaking his head jumps to his demise.

At the funeral days later the three widows gather together to talk of their husbands.

First one says " what a shame he was a good husband & father. If I only knew".

Second widow says, "what a shame he was so good to me". I was completely unaware".

Third widow says, "shame, I'll say its a shame,he makes his own lunch"

CamBirdRacing

The Importance of Walking!!


Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend
an additional 5 months in a nursing home
at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we
don't know where the hell he is..

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year ...
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
.....'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
..... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

.... and

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour, and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends.......
But just e-mail it to them!

CamBirdRacing

One hot summer day, a blond came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.


Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blond said it was hers

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blond replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blond. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'





The blond looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

CamBirdRacing

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

CamBirdRacing

A border patrol officer was doing is rounds at the international fence when he came across an illegal that had just entered the U.S. The agent stopped him and toldhim we could do this the hard way or the easy way. The hard way being the agent arrest him, book him and throw him in jail for a couple of months, then have to ship him back across the border. Or the easyway, just jump back across the fenca and be home free. The illegal pleaded " oh my patrol man, I have to stay in the U.S. The violence is just horrible over there.
The patrol agent thought for a couple of minutes. Told the illegal if you can use the words "green, pink and yellow" in the same sentence, then I will let you stay. The illegal thought about it for a few more minutes and then said "The telephone went green, green, green. Then I pinked it up and said yellow".

CamBirdRacing

Honk if you love Jesus

Text while driving if you want to meet him

TheYellaBrick

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

CamBirdRacing

What Kids Know About the Ocean

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

(Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island . If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men, a woman and some
pots and comes back with crabs. ( Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers at night.

(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

(Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

CamBirdRacing

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck.
The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

CamBirdRacing

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra....No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts...Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the fucking dishes!!!